Who’s Really Raising Our Kids?
As parents, we want to believe that we are the strongest influence in our children’s lives. But today, another voice is speaking to them around the clock: the algorithm. Social media platforms are designed to keep kids scrolling, showing them more of whatever captures their attention. Whether it’s funny videos, influencers, or content that doesn’t reflect your family’s values. The reality is that algorithms can start to feel like a digital “co-parent,” shaping how our kids think, feel, and act.
How Algorithms Work and Why Kids Are So Vulnerable
Every time your child likes, watches, or lingers on a video, the algorithm takes note. It then pushes more of the same, often in ways that become more extreme. What starts as lighthearted dance videos can quickly spiral into content about dieting, beauty filters, or even conspiracy theories. Most kids assume their feed is just “what’s out there,” but in reality it’s carefully tailored to grab their attention and keep them coming back.
To see how powerful this can be, some researchers and parents have created pretend teen accounts. They start by clicking on common interests like fitness tips or funny clips. Within just a few days, the feed is flooded with extreme dieting content, sexualized videos, or aggressive political material. The algorithm doesn’t care if the content is healthy. It only cares if it keeps the viewer hooked.
Pre-teens are still figuring out who they are and how to think critically, which makes them especially sensitive to these messages. The more time they spend online, the more the algorithm picks up on their insecurities and interests, then keeps feeding those back to them. Algorithms also amplify what’s “popular,” shaping how kids compare themselves to peers and what they believe is normal. That constant comparison can create powerful pressure to fit in.
Passively Consumption versus Active Consumption
When kids read a book, they choose which book to pick up. When they turn on the TV, they choose which show to watch. Those are active decisions about what content they want. Social media is different. Kids aren’t choosing most of what they see. Instead, the algorithm decides for them. It delivers whatever is most likely to grab their attention and stir up emotions.
And what kinds of posts make people stop scrolling? Often it’s the ones that shock, anger, or trigger jealousy. This means kids are being intentionally fed content that is emotionally disturbing, not because they went looking for it, but because the algorithm knows it will keep them engaged. That shift from choosing content to being fed content is a major problem. It turns kids into passive consumers instead of active ones, leaving them vulnerable to whatever the algorithm decides to serve to them.
The Emotional Impact
Algorithms don’t just shape what kids watch. They also shape how kids feel about themselves and the world. If a child spends hours watching highlight reels of “perfect” lives, they may start to feel like they don’t measure up. If they stumble into videos about anger, hate, or risky behavior, those ideas can quickly feel normal. Over time, the feed becomes a mirror that reflects only one version of reality, leaving kids with a distorted sense of what’s typical or true.
At the same time, not everything kids see is negative. Feeds can also highlight creativity, humor, and inspiring ideas. The challenge for parents is to help kids sort the helpful from the harmful. And it’s not just kids, adults get pulled in the same way. Pay attention to what the algorithm is feeding you too, because our habits shape our feeds just as much as theirs.
Where Parents Step In
The good news is that while algorithms are powerful, they don’t have to be the main voice guiding your child. Parents still matter most. What makes the biggest difference is being involved, not just by setting screen time rules, but by having real conversations. Ask your child what they are watching and why they like it. Watch a few videos together and talk about the messages behind them. Point out when something is exaggerated, unrealistic, or designed to make them feel a certain way.
Try open-ended questions instead of lectures, here are some conversation starters:
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What do you think this video is trying to get you to feel or do?
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Why do you think the app decided to show you this?
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What do you like about these kind of videos?
- Do you think you’re choosing your feed, or is your feed choosing you?
These kinds of questions invite kids to think critically without feeling attacked.
You can also set practical boundaries. Encourage breaks, keep devices out of bedrooms at night, and use parental controls when needed. Most major platforms such as TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram now offer family pairing tools and time limits. These aren’t perfect, but they add helpful guardrails.
Teaching Kids to Outsmart the Algorithm
Ultimately, the best defense is teaching kids to think critically about what they see online. Here are a few simple ways to start:
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Talk about “why.” Ask: Why do you think this video popped up? Help them understand it isn’t random. It’s based on what they’ve clicked before. It’s also based on what will get them hooked.
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Teach media literacy: Explain how filters, edits, and clickbait work. Teach them how creators often earn money from likes and views.
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Encourage variety: Suggest they follow positive, diverse accounts that reflect different perspectives, not just one type of content.
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Model balance: If kids see you taking breaks from your phone, spending time outside, or being present in conversations, they’re much more likely to do the same.
When kids understand how algorithms work, they are less likely to accept everything they see as truth and more likely to make their own choices with confidence.
What Matters Most
Whether your child is already on social media or you’re holding off for now, the digital world is all around them. What matters most is that they learn to see it clearly and not let it define who they are. With your guidance, they can grow up confident, thoughtful, and ready to handle what comes their way.
If you’d like an easy place to start, download our free Family Tech Agreement PDF. It includes a short parent guide and a customizable agreement you can complete with your child to set clear expectations and open the door to honest conversations.